Dreams in Broad Daylight
by Manwathiel
Summary: "Our heads were saying no, but our souls screamed yes." - Destinies inexplicably intertwined, Rey and Kylo Ren struggle to escape this connection they share, but the bond seems to have a mind of its own and is determined to bring them together, willing or not. It's only when they realize their dependence on this bond do things truly become difficult.
1. Loss

**Hello all! I have been smacked with the sudden desire to do some writing. I'm working abroad this summer and could use the distraction.**

 **This will be a series of short chapters about the development of Rey and Kylo's Force bond. Not especially original, I know, but they had to have known what they were doing when they came up with the bond idea. I mean, come on.**

 **So buckle up, kiddoes. This one's gonna be a slow burn. Rated M for future smutty goodness.**

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Loss

A chill rolled down my spine, rippling my shoulders, like my body thought it could shrug off the growing connection that started hazy and unclear before giving way to the light of overly exposed colors that were only muted around the edges of my vision. The sounds around me were suddenly murky, like I had been plunged underwater.

Annoyed and also surprised to have been disturbed by a bond I had thought dead with its creator, my eyes refocused on the new presence in my quarters.

" _Snake._ "

The word dripped from her curled lips like the venom of the very creature she accused me of being. It twisted her face cruelly, bared her teeth like a snarl, and her eyes were both hot with fury and cold with hate.

"Are we back to name calling then?" I replied as I stared down my nose at her, unperturbed and disinterested. "I can come up with several for you."

"You'll pay for what you've done!"

"You keep saying that."

Rey's fists clenched at her sides. Her stance widened and I could sense that she wanted to hurt me, but something stopped her from trying. I couldn't see of course, but she must have been near someone, to be reining in her anger. A shame, such passion would serve her well if applied correctly.

" _I hate you_ ," She hissed, as though that was supposed to offend me. "You had your way out, to find yourself again, and you cast it aside like it was nothing."

I shrugged my shoulders carelessly and took my eyes off her. I wanted to remind her she was nothing. She continued anyway.

"I gave you a chance! You could have come back. You could have put an end to all of this, but you could only think of yourself. You've become so lost in your illusion of grandeur that you can't see opportunity when it smacks you in the face. You've lost everything!"

I refocused my attention on the hilt of my saber, laying now in pieces on the table as I worked to make some minor repairs.

"How interesting," I mused, "Despite me being the one to have supposedly lost so much, the only one I see complaining about loss is you. Are you bitter?"

Rey hadn't answered after several moments, so I thought I had won, but then suddenly all the sounds around me – the creaking of the ship's metal hull, the thudding of boots in the hall outside my door – came back in a rush that was almost deafening and which slowly subsided to normal levels.

I finally looked up and found Rey was gone, and only then did I let my own face contort into a sneer.

"I assure you," I spat, gut twisting in derision, "The feeling is mutual."


	2. Deprivation

**Thanks to those of you who favorited and alerted! I hope my ramblings can keep you entertained.**

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Deprivation

The Resistance had been reduced to nothing but a distant echo of what it once was. The people were few in number and their grasp on hope slipped with each passing day that they were aboard the Falcon. The endless rush of stars in the window, once spectacular to behold, was now monotonous and dreary. A constant reminder of their homelessness.

I flipped a toggle on the console that triggered a cascade of beeps, startling me from my thoughts with a gasp of surprise. Beside me, Chewie murmured something and touched another couple switches, putting an end to my distracted mistake. I glanced at him sheepishly, but he didn't say anything or even return the look.

He understood.

With a long sigh through my nose, I shut my eyes and relaxed into my seat. In my lap, my fingers were twitching involuntarily. I hadn't had more than a couple bites of dried space junk in forty-eight hours. We needed to restock soon and I couldn't afford to take from those who still were in recovery from the attack on Crait.

Fortunately for me – or unfortunately, depending on your perspective – deprivation was an old friend.

My co-pilot began to grumble about his own hunger, how his will to resist the allure of a roasted Porg was waning, and I started to laugh in quiet agreement when suddenly his voice was lost to the low hum of silence.

My blood turned to jagged spears of ice.

Chewie growled his concern at my sudden change of expression, but I shook my head and excused myself. I was tired and bitter. I didn't need to add insane to the list.

I could hear _his_ voice floated from somewhere in the ship as I passed through the lounge that had become our central point for strategy, though right now those inhabiting it were either sleeping or staring at nothing. I suppose hoping to find a glimmer of inspiration in the cracks of the paneling.

" – not good enough!" I heard him scream, his voice pulsing from his fury. In my mind, I could already see his face, red and sweating from the exertion of striking fear and derision in everyone he came up against.

I passed by the open door of a storage facility and saw him there, berating a box of spare parts. There was a faint echo of a response from his side, but I couldn't make it out clear enough to guess.

Whatever it was, he apparently didn't find it satisfactory.

" _Your_ best _isn't what I asked for!_ "

I let a satisfied smirk curl my lips. He didn't know I was here. Leaning on the frame of the doorway, I crossed my arms and watched him struggle with his men.

"You were supposed to be tracking them! How could you let a decrepit freighter slip through your fingers?"

That was good news, at least.

" _Size does not matter._ You have the technology to track at lightspeed!"

He stopped talking for a while, positively simmering, as he listened to their excuses. Seeing him like this was delightful. To be so out of control and out of touch. He ruled by fear, not respect. A despicable excuse for a leader. Nothing more than an angry child who had happened to have access to the biggest guns in the galaxy and no one to tell him no. It made him dangerous, but also weak.

But then something changed in his expression, and it made me stand up straight again, suddenly afraid.

"You will always be a disappointment," He said coldly, " _Find_ them. Until then, it will be a war of attrition. They will need to land eventually. Station your men everywhere there might be even a _whisper_ of rebel sympathy. Starve them into submission."

A sick feeling crawled its way up the vertebrae of my spine, leaving behind an acidic residue that twisted my gut and burned my throat from revulsion.

" _You can't do that_ ," I growled as I left the doorway to stand right in front of him, mere inches away from his chest. Knowing he could do nothing, could not touch me, I felt emboldened to challenge him. Make him feel helpless.

As expected, he did not respond, except for a very quick glance down at me. A muscle in his jaw twitched and his upper lip curled. He took in a sharp breath and seemed to hold it there.

Good.

"You truly are a monster, Kylo Ren. I had hoped for you, believed in you so strongly that I put myself in danger to come to you, and here you hurt me again."

"Go and begin preparations," He ordered stiffly.

I got right in his face so he could see the betrayal in my eyes that he alone had inflicted.

"You condemn to death courageous men and women whose only crime is to have the strength to defend their rights."

Kylo Ren motioned with his head at something and turned away from me, clasping his hands behind his back as he did so. Again, I moved to face him head on.

"Your _mother_ is on this ship. You would sentence your mother to starvation?" I snorted my contempt, "Of course, this wouldn't deter you. You murdered your own father."

Faster than I could think or comprehend, his large hand was around my throat, and my own instinctively went to his wrist and I gasped in the deepest breath I could manage. Panic made my heart flicker and all feeling of control slammed from me to him. As I stared into his face, so hot with anger and evil amusement and vindictiveness, I couldn't help but watch my reflection struggle in his eyes. There was an unmistakable parallel, and I felt shame to have felt the same cruelty when I caught him unaware as I saw in him now.

"Did you forget I can touch you, _girl_?" He taunted as he squeezed ever tighter. Colorful stars burst in front of my eyes. "I wonder," He mused, "If you were to die here, like this, where would your body fall: in your ship or here with me?"

My ears were ringing. I tried to kick with my remaining strength, but he was so much bigger than I was, taller, and could keep me at such a distance that my efforts were useless. I tried to call upon the Force, but in my desperation my already limited grasp was tenuous, and even if I were sufficiently trained in its use I had already seen that it did not function in the constraints of our bond.

Kylo Ren released his hold unexpectedly and I crumpled to the floor, coughing violently as my lungs tried to remember how to draw in oxygen. Through the tears in my reddened eyes, I looked up at my enemy only to find he was gone. Relief battled with fear in my chest.

I vowed in that moment to never again give him the opportunity to answer his question.


	3. Desperation

**Thanks again to those of you reading! Always exciting to know my efforts are appreciated.**

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Desperation

" _Go go go!_ " I cried amidst Chewie's roaring and the blasts burning the side of our already battered ship. Falling into my seat, my fingers flew over the controls without my even requesting them to do so, as though the _Falcon_ were a mere extension of myself. Fortunately for everyone on board. What was less fortunate was our failed attempt to restock our supplies at what we thought had been a planet so remote that the First Order and their leader wouldn't have even had it in their records.

Another wicked surge of red energy slammed into the underside of the _Falcon_ and knocked us so hard that the side of my skull connected with the row of metal toggles on the console beside me. My brain reeled and vision swam.

Again, Chewie barked something at me that had my hands moving on autopilot again, even as I tried to regain my bearings. The screaming alarms didn't help.

"Go now!" I slurred, tasting the tang of blood in my mouth. My copilot reached across me and finally threw us into lightspeed.

One by one, the alarms began shutting off as Chewie made quick work of calming our vessel. I rubbed my eyes with the balls of my palms, bursting the stars that were clouding my vision, and the last thing I could remember was Chewie asking me if I was alright before things went black.

When I came to, I was laying on a cot with a heavy blanket over my body. It was warm and comforting, but I felt cold and alone. There were some blinking lights overhead, but there was no shaking, screaming, or blasts. For now, it seemed we had escaped.

My heart seized in my chest. Escaped. More like, ran with our tail between our legs.

Shame and anger made a lump rise into my throat. I couldn't even provide the basic necessities for the pitiful remainder of the Resistance. How was I to protect them? My hand covered my face as I tried to keep the emotions at bay. Crying wouldn't help anything. Action was the only thing that would.

Except that didn't seem to be happening anytime soon. I tried to sit up and swing my legs off the cot, but the dizziness returned, threatening to force me horizontal again, so I obeyed the wishes of my body and stayed put. I couldn't act if I wasn't well rested, I reminded myself. With a heavy, steadying breath, I shut my eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

I was in that in-between place of waking and sleep when I had the unsettling feeling of someone standing over me. My eyes flung open just as the gentle hum around me was sucked into nothingness, leaving only the sound of my breath and a ringing in my ears.

Kylo Ren was standing over me, and I wanted nothing more to fly into a fury, to tell him just how much I hated what he had done to me and the galaxy, but I just couldn't in that moment. I just stared at him, my eyes surveying the equally passive expression on his face, and wondered what more he could possibly take from me.

My lips moved on their own: "I have nothing else."

I was quiet and tired. I saw a muscle below his eye twitch.

"I'll never stop hunting you," He informed me with a feverish waver of his voice, "I can't. Not after what you've done."

This was nothing new to me. But I didn't feel like goading him.

"I understand," I said.

That threw him off. For a brief moment, his hate gave way to surprise and a healthy dose of suspicion. Since his betrayal in the throne room, we had only gone after each other's throats – quite literally, in his case. I could see he didn't know how to handle this new direction. Eventually, Kylo Ren sneered.

"You won't deceive me with your apathy. You are weak. The 'Resistance' has become nothing but a ragged band of beggars and vagabonds. It's only a matter of time before desperation sets in and you turn against each other. You'll be hunted down and – "

"Ben," I said, just to shock him, and the look on his face seemed to prove I was successful, at least for a second. "You've blasted the _Falcon_ to pieces. We're starving and exhausted. We're beyond desperate."

I didn't like giving him that satisfaction, but it was the truth, and I saw no point in hiding the obvious. To my surprise, however, it didn't seem to satisfy him at all. He seemed frustrated, like he wanted me to fly off the handle and get in his face like I did the last time I saw him.

"Then we're winning." He stated with forced confidence.

"Yea, I guess that's what that means," I conceded. I didn't care. Not right now. Right now, there was lightning cracking against the inside of my head and shocking the backs of my eyeballs. Kylo Ren said nothing. I turned to look up at him, still staring down at me with the strangest light in his eyes. This wasn't a scenario that ever played out in his head while he plotted his domination. He didn't know what to say.

So he said the last thing I wanted to hear: "What's wrong?"

It hurt like hell, but I frowned severely at him. "Are you honestly joking? You tried to murder us all. What do you expect?"

"I'm doing what is necessary."

I rolled my eyes, then grimaced as a result. "Right. For the good of us all."

"Take my hand and you can help me shape the galaxy how it's meant to be."

The anger he so desperately wanted to incite in me bubbled and boiled just beneath the surface of my skin, but I kept myself together. "Go to hell," I spat, turning my back to him.

Kylo Ren didn't say anything else, but the Force bond kept him there much longer than was comfortable or even typical. Eventually he moved away and, I guess, busied himself with something on his end, but I couldn't tell what it was. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep, I couldn't with him there. The last thing I needed was for him to decide catching me through the bond was much easier than hunting me through the stars.

"Rey."

His voice drew me from the almost-dream world, spiking my heart rate, and I rolled just enough to look over my shoulder in time to see him watching me, and then suddenly his image began to fade, followed by the rush of sound back in my ears.

What didn't fade, however, was the mental image I had of him, staring at me like _that_. It made my skin crawl and my breath catch in my throat.

I hated that man.


	4. Distance

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Distance

 _A rabid cur_ , Snoke had called him. _A cur's weakness, properly manipulated, can be a sharp tool._

There was only one truth in that statement, I knew now just as well as I did then when the words had been spoken: Hux was a rabid cur at best. But even with all his weaknesses, his shortcomings, and his faults to exploit, there was still nothing he could produce that came even close to sharp, except maybe the shrill wailing of his voice when he was strapped down for interrogation and begging for mercy.

That we share a rivalry is no secret even on a ship as massive as ours. The only difference is that I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to stay on top.

"You're _insane_ ," The man spewed in his whiny, nasally voice. His face was as red as his hair and the thin trail of blood at the corner of his mouth, and there was spittle on his chin.

I gripped the hilt of my saber at my belt. I saw his eyes shift to my hand and they widened in fear and anger.

"You won't scare me like you do the others," He lied.

"No," I agreed with an air of calmness overlaying my dangerous intent, "You are not sophisticated enough a creature to be frightened."

Hux sneered at me and tried to turn his thin nose up at me, but it wasn't especially threatening.

"You never were good at anything else but terrifying everyone around you with your childish tantrums and _freakish_ abilities. You lead with fear, I lead with _respect_."

"And yet I'm the Supreme Leader now," I pointed out, "Funny how things work out."

To be frank, this man exhausted me. I had no patience for him and his righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Everything about him, from how he strutted down the hall like a stiff-necked peacock to how his weasel-like eyes would glower at me from across the room, made me question how much I needed him exactly. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a position where I do need his military expertise, if you can call it that.

Which is how he ended up constrained for interrogation.

"You let them go to infuriate me," I accused. Hux spat a wad of blood at my feet.

"I have as much reason to hate the filthy rebels as much as you," He seethed, " _Why_ would I let them slip away yet again?"

"There's no other explanation," I insisted, "It's one ship with two dozen people on board. We have the most advantaged technology in the galaxy. Our people are positioned on every heap of rock floating through space, all waiting for the damned _Falcon_."

"You're delusional."

And so it began again.

Perhaps I was delusional, I mused as I left the room, leaving him there for now. He had no means of escape and no one would dare set him free. Increasingly over the past few weeks I have found my temper to be even worse than usual and my patience especially thin. Physical torture had never been something I enjoyed or even employed. At least, not by my hand. Exerting my influence on the Force was a far more satisfying tactic to get what I wanted and always worked, except in one very special case, which I admitted to myself was what had me so angry. They were eluding me because of _her_ and her inexplicable affiliation with the Force.

 _Rey_.

An invisible wall slammed into my gut, taking the wind from my lungs and throwing me to the cold floor in a heap. I clutched my abdomen as I gritted my teeth, wondering what had hit me out of nowhere.

" – sorry, I'm so sorry, are you –"

The apologetic voice stopped suddenly. It was feminine and genuine, and I immediately recognized it.

I leapt to my feet, wheezing, and my hand twitched over my lightsaber as I stared her down, standing there in the middle of the hall like she was meant to be there. I hadn't seen her in nearly three weeks.

In her own hand, she held the silver hilt of her saber, but it was not ignited. Still, I could see her thumb was ready. Her clothes were thick, comprised of white and grey leathers and fur, and her dark hair was tousled and stuck to the sweat on her forehead. Her cheeks looked on the verge of frostbitten. Even from here, I thought I could feel the bite of wind on my skin.

She was somewhere cold and brutal.

Rey's expression was tired and unfriendly. Mine must have looked quite similar. This bond, however useful it may be in locating the rebels, had to end.

"It thought it had stopped," She said, echoing my thoughts. At least we were on the same page of this particular book.

"Snoke is dead. It should have died with him."

The girl stared at me hard. It made me uneasy. I'm not sure why. Maybe I wasn't used to seeing my own intensity thrown back at me from someone who may actually be an equal.

"I see you've repaired the lightsaber," I said, changing the subject. Rey raised the saber in her palm and studied it.

"No," She replied, "I don't know how."

"I can teach you."

Rey glared at me and shoved the hilt back onto the clip at her hip. I didn't actually expect that to work anyway. I glared back when she said, "Considering the quality of your saber, I don't think I would turn to you for help, even if I didn't hate you."

I was already done here, but the bond was still resonating strongly between us, stretched so tightly that I could have plucked it and heard it reverberate down the hall.

"We need to find a way to end this," Rey continued, surprising me. I regarded her with interest.

"What do you propose? I've never heard of anything like this before."

"That doesn't mean it can't be broken," She insisted. I began to hear that determination that characterized her every effort, absent since she betrayed me that day on Snoke's ship. "There must be a way. If it can be made, it can also be unmade."

I crossed my arms. "It will take more than wishful thinking."

Rey's lips thinned in irritation. "I'm open to ideas."

"Breaking it was your idea."

The girl started to throw her arms up but tried to play it off as peeling off the hair on her face and tucking it back behind her ear. "What were you doing when we connected?" She asked.

I shrugged. "Nothing. I was walking down a hallway."

Her lips puckered in thought. "What were you feeling?"

"Anger. Frustration."

"What a surprise."

It was my turn to grit my teeth and try to not wring her neck. "What were _you_ doing and feeling?"

"Walking," She replied, "I was also feeling frustrated. Maybe it connects us when are feelings are in sync."

"Or distance," I proposed, suddenly having a clever thought, "Maybe it's triggered by our proximity to each other. Where are you?"

Rey scoffed immediately, "Tell me where you are first so we can be sure to stay clear."

"The Atterra system."

It was a lie and a gamble. I wasn't stupid enough to give away our actual position, but I was hopeful that by being forthcoming and eager to be rid of the bond as well, she would place her trust in me again. And then we could end all of this. Unsurprisingly, though, Rey seemed only more suspicious.

"That's not possible," She said cautiously, "We were in that region of space only hours ago."

I began a mental checklist of all the planets and chunks of rock in that area that also would require the sort of attire she was wearing. "Where are you now?" I asked again, hoping to narrow things down a bit more while I had her feeling cooperative, "It must be cold there. I can feel it."

Rey squinted her eyes and looked upwards, and suddenly I had a strange stinging in my own eyes that I couldn't blink away. A drop of water hit my forehead and rolled down my nose. Snow. As frustrating as this bond was, it was equally fascinating.

"Rey?"

The girl looked at me again, suspicion still curving her lips downwards, but there was something in her eyes that made me think she was about to place her trust in me again. There was a part of her so desperate to be rid of me and this bond that she would invite me to come even closer. I pressed my lips together and implored her with my gaze to give in.

But then I blinked and she was gone. I stared in shock at the space she had occupied half a second ago, so close to trusting me, to giving up the rebels once and for all. My chest began to heave as disbelief gave way to anger.

Screaming in mindless rage, I reached for my lightsaber.


	5. Disgust

**I'm thinking I'm going to do some editing of the first chapter to keep it more in line with the style I've taken up in later chapters. Feel free to check in if you want, but I'll let you all know when the new version is posted.**

 **As always, thanks to those of you reading, reviewing, alerting, and all the other things!**

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Disgust

I was closing my shirt with these terrible bone toggles, which had been threatening to come loose all day, when I felt the familiar ringing in my ears and the muted silence that followed. Smiling to myself, I thought about how I had been anticipating our next meeting. When we last saw each other, Kylo Ren had tried to manipulate me into giving away our position. He was a fool if he believed I would so easily fall for more of his lies. Fastening the last toggle, I turned to face him.

What I found, however, was not even close to what I would have imagined: he was asleep on the cold, hard ground of my private quarters.

I hadn't given it thought before, but I supposed it wasn't impossible for the bond to be activated even while we were unconscious, which of course led my mind down a path of terrible paranoia. If I could see him while he was asleep, who was to say whether he had come upon me while I was asleep? My heart began to pound heavily, finding its way even up into my throat. I couldn't even fathom the purpose of the bond establishing itself while one or the other was sleeping.

So I found myself in an awkward position. I didn't want him here, but I also didn't want to wake him. He seemed like the sort that would be prepared to kill anyone at anytime, even in sleep. I also had no idea how long this particular encounter would last.

Frozen by indecision, I merely stood there and stared at him.

I didn't want to look at him, but morbid curiosity made me. I hated this man, so my heart wanted to see what he looked like at his most vulnerable. With all the anger, the cruelty, and the instability stripped away, what was he? As I padded lightly towards him so as not to wake him, I wondered what I would find. I imagined heavy lines creasing his forehead and mouth from stress, making him look a decade older than he probably was. I thought I would find heavy, blue bags under his eyes like bruises. There would be the first signs of graying in his hair, especially along his forehead, but not too much, because the whiskers on his chin and above his lip were where the grey would actually show first. His mouth and brows would be turned downward in a perpetual scowl, unrelaxed even while he slept, and his hands would be tight and closed.

Standing over him, I looked down at him and found none of those things.

The skin of his forehead was smooth and pale, especially compared to my sun-kissed complexion, like he had spent more of his life under the artificial light of a ship's bridge than under the natural, warm light of a sun. The area beneath his eyes was a bit puffy, but that could have just as easily been due to his slumber. His hair, thick and silky, was jet black and tousled, maybe even freshly washed. There was a bit of a shadow on his chin and cheeks that darkened his appearance, but also sharpened it. His lips, pink and full, were relaxed and slightly parted.

Kylo Ren was young, I realized. He was a boy.

Heat burned away the panic in my chest, replacing it with a feeling that caught in my throat and hooked a piece of my brain that encouraged me to look further.

 _What's wrong with me?_

Disgusted by my body's response to Kylo Ren, the _murderer_ of Han Solo and countless others, I took out my frustration on him by nudging him not at all gently with my foot. It took a moment, but the man stirred slowly, and then abruptly sprung to life upon realizing his compromised situation.

Grabbing my ankle, he pulled as hard as he could from his prone position to bring me toppling to the ground, making the playing field even until he could gain the upper hand. It was my cursing that alerted him to where exactly he was and what was happening. Sitting up quickly, he stared down at me splayed on my back a foot away, hissing in pain as I held the back of my head.

"You _ass_ ," I grumbled.

Kylo Ren took a moment to gather his thoughts from the dreams he had been having and reorient them in the present.

"Were you watching me sleep?" He accused with furrowed brows, disturbed.

"No," I lied, too quickly.

"Why were you watching me sleep?"

"I wasn't!" I insisted, cheeks hot from embarrassment, "I was just… staring at you."

"I fail to see the difference."

Frustrated and angry with myself, I forced myself back to my feet. "There _is_ a difference. A big one."

"Please explain."

"The only explanation required here is why you decided to take a nap in my private quarters."

Kylo Ren looked around even though I knew he couldn't see anything about my room, but that wouldn't stop the conniving bastard from trying. "I think you know this link offers no choice when or where we connect," He said, standing and brushing his nightclothes smooth, "If it's a problem for you, you could continue attempting to break it."

Glaring at him, I went back to the clothes I had been folding on the bed just so I wouldn't have to look at him. I had been trying to figure out how. After our last encounter, I had dedicated all of my free time trying to learn what exactly this connection was and why it continued to haunt us even after its creator was dead. Unsurprisingly, I had no help from Kylo Ren. As much as he claimed to hate it, I was coming to realize he relied upon it. He knew, one of these days, I would slip, I would say just enough, and he would be on me and the Resistance before I ever realized my mistake. As usual, our goals were at odds with one another.

"I am," I assured him moodily.

"No luck?" He asked nonchalantly, but I knew he was intent on me.

"No."

Kylo Ren shut his mouth for once, but having his eyes on my back was worse. I was glad he couldn't see my face. I couldn't help but chew my lip, thinking.

"Have you…" I started, but then trailed off when I lost my nerve.

"Have I… what?"

"Nothing."

No response. My heart rate picked up again. I hated this. He needed to _go_ already.

Then I felt him practically breathing down my neck, "Have I _what_?"

"Get away from me!" I shouted with derision, turning to put my hands on his chest and shove him away. He staggered back only two steps and leveled me with a glare.

"What's wrong with you tonight?"

I couldn't help but sneer at him. He had that look in his eyes that said he was trying to exert his mental control over me despite the limitations of the bond, or at least he was studying my face in that way that made my skin crawl and shiver with goosebumps.

"Alright!" I finally relented, wrapping my arms around my chest to protect myself from his dark, penetrating gaze, "Has the bond ever triggered while I was sleeping?"

Kylo Ren's expression didn't change. He kept studying me, so I averted my eyes.

"Why?" He asked, and I could hear that cruel smile in his voice.

Rolling my eyes, I replied, "Forget it. That you're being like this tells me yes, it has, and you're trying to infuriate me."

"You think so little of me."

I tilted my chin defiantly. "I think about you a lot actually. Specifically how much I hate you."

"You keep reminding me, like I should be surprised. I assure you, I don't much care for you either."

My heart seized because _of course_ it did, because seeing his relaxed face one time was enough to turn me into a stupid little girl. I was more upset with myself right now than him, to tell the truth, but I couldn't let him know that.

"Would you just go?" I growled, pleading with this cursed bond to let me be free of him, and for the first time it actually listened. A second later, my enemy was gone, and I was alone.

I let out a long, heavy breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and sank onto the bed, covering my face with my hands. These encounters were far too much. Right now I was too stressed from defending the remaining resistance members, evading the First Order's blockade, and studying the Force. Surprise visits from Kylo Ren needed to end before it got me – or the Resistance – killed. My hands dropped to my legs with a slap and I took another steadying breath as I opened my eyes.

And then, to my horror, a hot blush crept up my neck all the way to my eyes as I discovered, likely when he had pulled me to the ground, the top few bone toggles of my shirt had come loose again. In my anger, I hadn't even noticed.

It was likely wishful thinking that Kylo Ren hadn't noticed either.


	6. Push

**So many wonderful followers and reviewers. You keep me going!**

 **XXXXX**

Push

I could see every detail of her face with unbelievable clarity.

Her skin. It was golden and smooth, like the brushstrokes of the most practiced artist, but it wasn't perfect. There was a blemish here and there, and her cheeks seemed to have a slight permanent flush from being whipped by the unforgiving sands of Jakku. Beads of sweat dotted her hairline. There were also the beginnings of some wrinkles that would deepen into canyons with age: two along the sides of her mouth from a laughless childhood and several along her brow from squinting in the sun. So close we were, I could see all of this without effort.

Her hair. It was dark, but not quite black like mine. She was keeping it in a simple style, parts of it tied at the base of her neck and away from her ears while the rest hung free, but in her exertion it had come loose and stray pieces stuck out at odd angles and created an unkempt halo of frizz. She must not have had an opportunity to bathe recently: I could see oils sticking to the roots, especially by her temples, or it could have just as easily been sweat.

Her eyes. I couldn't look there long. They were so intense. From a distance, they were hazel, but now I was so close that I could feel her breath on my skin and I saw "hazel" was an inadequate descriptor. Flecks of muddy green and steel grey glittered like the sharp edges of precious stones and were just as capable of cutting those who were not careful. The whites of her eyes, however, shined with wetness and were reddening. They twitched everywhere, looking at my face just as intently as I was looking at hers.

And then her lips. Usually thin and pale, they were peeled back from her teeth in a predator's snarl.

" _How do you live with yourself?_ " She demanded of me. Her voice was quiet, but there was more emotion there than if she had been shouting.

I didn't answer. I didn't have one to give her.

Rey took a break in her admonishing to stare me down in an attempt to intimidate me. It didn't work. Still, I didn't move. Her chest was heaving so heavily, it almost brushed mine.

"Your _mother_ ," She shot at me not for the first time since the link had activated nearly ten minutes ago, though it felt as though it had been going on forever, "You let her… let her…"

The girl choked on a sob and looked away to hide her face. I didn't know why. I had seen her at her most vulnerable, when she was alone and afraid in a world that had forsaken her and we touched for the first time. Tears were nothing at this point.

"Rey," I finally said, firm, "I didn't."

She looked up at me again, eyes burning.

"You've taken everything from me, Kylo Ren. The existence I had on Jakku is gone, thanks to you. Han Solo, the first father I ever had, is gone, thanks to you. The few friends I have are scattered across the galaxy, thanks to you. The Resistance is dying, thanks to you. And now, you… you…"

She tapered off. My nostrils flared in irritation.

"Go on," I goaded her, "Say it. What did I do?"

The ferocity faded from her eyes. Now, there was only grief. "Your mother. You killed her, too," She sobbed, "After all this, at least do me the courtesy of telling me the truth."

A shot of something pierced through my chest as I regarded her, my lips pressed tightly together.

"You called me a monster once," I began, and immediately that stubborn courage and determination filtered back into her gaze, for now obscuring the sorrow of the general's death. "But I did not kill my mother."

The truth was what she had asked for, but I knew that wasn't what she really wanted: She wanted another reason to hate me. There were plenty legitimate reasons I could have offered her if she asked the right questions, but I could deny her this one.

"I don't believe you," She replied through gritted teeth, "I've seen you. You killed your father."

"I have not left my ship in weeks."

"Whether by your hand or by the hand of one of your men, the responsibility of her death still falls to you."

"You're upset."

Stunned by my statement, Rey gaped at me, and then slapped me.

My head turned only slightly, and when I looked at her again her hand was ready to do it again. In that brief moment we had touched just then, I had caught a glimpse of a desolate world of ice and brutality. She was still on that planet. I thought I could feel the biting teeth of cold on my cheek instead of the burn of her attack.

I saw her hand move to strike me, but this time I caught her wrist, then _pushed._

It was an invasion of savage emotion that I poured through the Force, filling the invisible currents that swirled around our bodies, willing her to feel what I felt. The strength of it overwhelmed her, and would have knocked her back if I hadn't been holding her there in my grip. Her eyes were wide now from the overload of information I was transmitting. Fear. Isolation. Confusion. Grief. Hate. And that was only the surface level. I forced her to experience every facet of each emotion and their convoluted relationships. My fear of myself kept me isolated, but the fear was greatest when I found myself alone. I was confused about who I was and whether I had become what I was supposed to be, especially when everything I thought I should do only tore another gaping wound in the old scars of grief that I tried to hide from everyone and everything. And then there was hate. Hate was what had attracted Snoke to me in the first place. It was as much a part of me as my lightsaber. I hated my parents, how they feared me and sent me away in their cowardice, hated Skywalker and his betrayal, how Snoke manipulated me, but none of that compared to how much I hated myself for what I had done.

But there was one thing I would not hate myself for.

"You're right. I am a monster," I repeated and was surprised to find gravel roughening my throat. Though my own remained dry, Rey's cheeks were wet and streaked. Tears for me because I couldn't have my own. "But I did not kill her. I loved her."

Rey took a sharp breath. Again I thought of the night in the stone hut. I felt the muscles in her arm relax and her hand fell slack in my grip, so I loosened it and let our hands fall between us.

"Ben," She murmured as she looked at me as if for the first time, had we been in a different time and a different galaxy where she was still a scavenger and I was just… no one, like her.

But I wasn't looking at her. I was looking through her, watching water drip from massive icicles clinging to the roof of an underground cave, illuminated by a small fire that struggled to stay alive. A small creature was roasting overtop, burning while Rey was distracted with me. I saw her pack sitting there on the cave floor that was jagged and treacherous from ice slicks and rocks that had fallen. Beside it, pieces of a broken lightsaber. And in that moment, I understood what I was seeing.

"Ben," Rey said again. "I'm sorry."

I wasn't looking at icicles, I realized. They were crystals.

I released her wrist and it fell back to her side, the icy cave disappearing from my view as a result. The girl was looking at me differently now.

Kyber crystals.

"She loves you, too," She said, her image already fading.

 _Ilum_.


	7. Hope

**Thanks to everyone for your continued support! I'd love to hear from more of you. You give me a taste of home!**

 **XXXXX**

 **Hope**

I hated myself for being so careless. I couldn't believe he could be so evil.

Fool me twice.

Sweating beneath all my furs and leathers, I shoved everything I could into my one bag and kicked over the little fire that I had come to love and meticulously care for like a child that had fallen ill. Outside, I could hear the wind roaring and beating against the walls of the cave, shrieking a shrill whistle through its gaping maw. Somehow it knew what had happened, that we were no longer safe here, and it hoped to scare us away before death could come for us first. Its efforts were needless - I knew what I had done.

I couldn't understand what it was about Kylo Ren that made me so easily drop my guard. In the face of cruelty embodied, I kept searching for the spark of hope that would someday become an ally or even a friend, despite all that he had done and continues to do. When I saw him, I saw the potential for a smile. I knew what he could be. And - _damn him_ \- he knew how to exploit this weakness of mine. My emotions were his favorite toy to torment, like the horrible children I would see back home who would tear limbs from their playthings just to amuse themselves.

My heart twisted in my chest and lodged itself in my throat behind my collarbone. I had placed so much hope and trust in him. When we touched hands that night on Ahch-To so long ago, I could feel every part of him, every thought he had, and I knew he could feel mine, too. It was far more than a simple touch: it was a marriage of souls, both lost, but whole in the company of the other, and now that they had found each other they fought and screamed and struggled to be together again. They longed to glide alongside each other, twist together, and bask in the almost-sensual afterglow of reunification.

Despite all logic, our souls wanted each other. It was our brains that disagreed.

My friend and co-pilot roared at me and beckoned me to follow. Putting aside the painful disappointment of broken trust, I pulled my goggles down over my eyes and ran out of the cave with him.

The snow and wind threatened to knock me off my feet the moment I exited the jagged mouth of our temporary home. Chewie had to grab my arm and pull me along behind him. Spitting out hair from my mouth, I stared at his long, dark fur and wondered if it kept him warm enough. I hadn't heard him once complain and he was always checking on me to see if I was alright.

Just ahead was the _Falcon_ , tucked under a precipice to shield it both from the weather and any unwelcome eyes. By the time we reached the ramp, my legs were burning from the effort of walking through knee-deep snow, but there was no time to gripe. It was so frigid inside that I feared it would take the ship too long to warm up, but to move better I still shed all my furs as I ran to the cockpit with Chewie. He beat me there and immediately fired up the engines.

The _Falcon_ choked and sputtered, then stalled. The Wookiee howled. I shared his frustration.

"It's too cold," I explained, though he didn't need it. He set about forcing the freighter to life while I surveyed the sky through the viewports. It was a pointless effort; I could hardly see the base of the rocky mountain right in front of us.

I needed something to do with my hands, so I tried to make contact with the small Resistance ship waiting for us in orbit.

"We're stalled out down here," I reported into the _Falcon_ 's radio, but received only static back. We had been having intermittent interference on this planet, but with this storm communication would likely be impossible. I didn't expect an answer. "Status?" I called again.

Chewie slammed a large, impatient fist on the console. I gave him a look. We would be going nowhere a lot faster if he broke something.

"... Rey… -re, you… don't… me?"

"I'm here!" I replied to the broken message, "The _Falcon_ is too cold, we need to wait for her to warm up."

"No… alrea-... Rey…"

Panic made my heart flutter, but I took a deep breath. Panic would not help here. It wouldn't help Chewie get us moving. Another breath, and then I jumped into my seat.

After several minutes that dragged into what felt like hours and running like mad around the freighter, I felt the _Falcon_ roar to life below my feet. With a whispered word of relief, I turned and rushed back to the cockpit… only for an explosion to rock the ground beneath us, throwing me to the floor, and the _Falcon_ began protesting against all that we were putting her through with multiple alarms and flashing lights. I heard Chewie howling again.

The horizon stabilized and I pulled myself to my feet, quickly returning to the cockpit for a look outside. Only a few hundred meters away, I found a burning hunk of wreckage that looked horrifyingly like the ship that was to be our connection to the rest of the Resistance. I felt a sudden wave of guilt, but much like panic, we didn't have time for that. Chewie and I both agreed that the chance of the pilot's survival was minimal, so we began coaxing the _Falcon_ to cooperate.

I yelped in joy when I finally felt us lift off the ground, and soon enough we were soaring through the snowstorm, up and up until the expanse before us became black.

It was there that I realized our troubles were only just beginning.

Convincing myself not to panic this time wasn't so easy. Before us was nearly the entirety of the First Order fleet, or at least what I imagined to be the entirety. TIE fighters swarmed around Star Destroyers like angry fire ants, just waiting for someone to step near the hive. Fear made my skin break out in goosebumps. They had to have seen us. There was no way they wouldn't spot a ship as iconic as the _Falcon_.

"Do you think they can still track us at lightspeed?" I asked Chewie, my voice a whisper as though I was afraid they might hear me.

The Wookiee murmured and eyed the fleet warily.

"I know…" They weren't firing yet. "If we risk it, we could be leading them straight to the Resistance."

Chewie grumbled.

"But we're already low on fuel and I don't trust that she'll hold up, not after we had to jump her like that. I don't want to get stuck in the middle of nowhere."

Chewie moved to jump to lightspeed anyway. I put my hand over his to stop him.

"Wait. Just… give me a second."

Shutting my eyes, I tried to call upon the Force. I reached out with my mind as Luke had taught me, freeing my thoughts to let them focus upon the in and out of my breath, the smoothness of the metal beneath my calloused fingers, and the soothing warmth of my co-pilot beside me. He felt strong and confident, but beneath all that was an aching sorrow. If I reached out further, I could feel everyone aboard the First Order ships, but they were more muddled and indistinguishable from one another, and then I could feel _him_.

I was only afforded a second to study him and his simmering emotions. The _Falcon_ took an abrupt nosedive, so steep that I collapsed onto the console as I screamed, "Chewie! _What are you doing?_ "

The Wookiee didn't answer, too busy concentrating on our rapid return to the planet below. Not expecting an explanation any time soon, I gritted my teeth and braced myself for the impact of cannonfire on our hull, but miraculously it never came. I glanced at Chewie, wondering where he found his self-assurance, and whether he had gotten it from Han Solo or if Han Solo had gotten it from him.

"Did they not see us?" I wondered aloud, but I doubted it. We leveled out in the snowstorm, and for the first time since we had arrived I was grateful for the inclement weather. "Can we find someplace to keep our heads down? Maybe they'll move on."

Chewie grumbled his agreement and we began searching for a new place to hide. We had already accomplished our mission and had intended to leave the planet the next day, so the further away from our original location, the better. It took another hour or so to find a place we deemed suitable: a small level space amongst an outcropping of rocks that helped to break up our shape and disguise us as part of the snow-capped terrain. Chewie began the shutdown process, but the _Falcon_ had obviously had enough: she stalled once again with a shudder, but at least we were already grounded. I released my grip of steel on the controls and fell back into my seat.

The Wookiee murmured quietly as he scratched at his broad forehead. The guilt made its way back to its home in my gut.

"I don't know how they found us," I lied, "There's nothing on this planet of any value to them… yes, I know, the kyber crystals, but there's only a handful left after they were all mined… their only Force user is Kylo Ren, and he has a saber."

Of course I knew how he knew and what he was after, but I wasn't prepared to tell anyone about this bond that held us prisoner. I didn't know yet how to handle the questions that would certainly follow.

Exhausted and jittery, Chewie and I kept mostly quiet and did what always helped us to relax: repair work on the _Falcon_. There was always something needing done around here; I had no idea how Han and Chewie had let the freighter get to this point, not considering the "improvements" Unkar Plutt had made to it while in his possession. As I worked, I could almost feel her groaning in appreciation; far too much had been left unattended for far too long. The longer I was at it, however, the more difficult it became to keep the growing paranoia at bay. I didn't believe for a second that they hadn't seen us. We needed to leave this planet as soon as possible.

After another few hours, I found Chewie back in the cockpit.

"I think we should return the wreckage," I suggested, "It's not likely, but he may have made it. And then we need to go… I know, but we have to try… Chewie, please just-"

The Wookiee cut me off with a hand in my face. I stared at him in shock, but I let it go when I realized he was listening. I craned my neck up to look through the viewports.

The scream of TIE fighters.

Pieces of the _Falcon_ still lay on the floor where we had left them even as we powered her up. Though she protested even louder now, the ship flared to life immediately just as a blast rocked the hull.

"Shields!" I cried unnecessarily. Chewie flung us into the air and yelled at me to move into the gunner's seat. I obeyed without question.

As I fell into position, I watched the three black shapes, lit up by the raging snowstorm, gaining on us with impossible speed, and I began to doubt that this piece of junk, no matter how much Han liked to brag, could outrun them at this point. In the open of space, no question, but we might as well be sitting ducks down here.

Another blast of blazing red energy burned past us, just slightly off as Chewie jerked us to the side. He yelled at me to start firing, and with some choice words that I would have to apologize for later, I lined up my first target in the sights and let loose half a dozen blasts, only one of which barely snagged the underside of a fighter. The ship wavered from side the side, but its pilot was able to quickly correct course.

My stomach was suddenly slammed downwards, mingling with the bottom of my feet, when Chewie threw us upwards in a spiraling climb to the heavens above. The TIE fighters didn't miss a beat. Even as we barreled through dense atmosphere and fought against snow and gravity, they were on us, and I was finding it significantly more difficult to lock on as the blood rushed from my head and the edges of my vision became foggy black smudges, like the dark clouds rolling in before a storm. Despite my best efforts to stay focused, my limbs began to tingle and my head dropped to my chin. I vaguely heard Chewie roaring at me to… to do… someth-

I awoke to a ringing in my ears and something shaking my shoulders so hard I thought my neck might snap.

" _Rey!"_ Someone was yelling at me. I couldn't place the voice, but I knew I was trapped in something and wherever I was it was way too small for my body, and too hot. Despite spending my life squeezing myself into the tiniest crevasses, I felt claustrophobic

A feeble whine escaped my throat.

"Yes! _Wake up!_ "

My eyes opened and saw a vaguely familiar face staring at mine with such intensity that it hurt my blood-deprived brain to think about who it belonged to. Instead, I shoved at the face to create more distance between us.

"Fight back!" The person yelled, enraged by something I couldn't identify. A pale shape slashed by red, all haloed by darkness. I blinked and cleared my vision. " _Fight me_!"

The blood in my body began to rage like water over rocks.

"Get out!" I shouted, pushing at Kylo Ren, who pushed right back, which was the wrong decision for both of us. Connected by our bond and touch, I was staring simultaneously at the TIE fighters pursuing us and the _Millenium Falcon_ from the perspective of his own ship, and feeling every little jerk and tilt. I had a brief moment to be flattered that he had taken it upon himself to come to the battlefield instead of letting an unnamed minion have the satisfaction, but then I was dizzy again from the double-stimulation running wild, and I could tell he wasn't feeling so good either: his attention was definitely elsewhere even as he tried to pry my hands off him, and then I saw his ship shutter and drift out of line.

I guessed this was why the bond didn't normally activate when we were this close. Thankfully, I had an incredibly determined co-pilot that, I just realized, was barking at me in my earpiece.

I ignored Chewie for now. Kylo Ren had stopped harassing me so he could regain control of his flailing ship and that just would not do.

Flinging myself out of my seat, I grabbed at him again. The sickening disorientation returned, threatening to spill my last meager meal all over the Supreme Leader's coat, but still I clung to him even as he kneed and elbowed me. As the sole pilot, he was at a significant damage, and even though I could vaguely feel him trying to muster his control of the Force to aid him, I had the fleeting hope that maybe it wouldn't be enough.

"I have command of my fighters," He argued through gritted teeth, "I will order them to fire on you!"

He loosened the leg I had wrapped around his own. I replaced it with a fistful of his hair in my hand.

"You would have done it already!" I shot back, "You had your chance when I was unconscious, but you're too vindictive to let me die easily."

Chewie roared in my earpiece, asking who I was speaking to. I ignored him again.

"I _will_ fire!"

"Then do it!"

I was reasonably confident he would not do so, or I wouldn't have dared to encourage him. The conflict in his eyes, laced with fury that I had caught him, was satisfyingly clear. Despite the situation, I felt my heart lifted. It was shrouded in darkness, chaos, and doubt, but I could see it shining dimly in the distance: hope for Ben Solo.

"Go, Chewie!" I cried, "Lightspeed!"

" _No_ ," Kylo growled, " _Fight_ me and end this. If you run, you only-"

Our bond severed abruptly, taking the wind out of me, and I fell to the ground. So confused by our shared set of eyes, I hadn't even realized I had started moving up the stairs to the main bay. For a while I stayed there, pressing my fingertips into the floor to feel some sense of stability, and Chewie was gracious enough to not pester me. I knew, of course, that was temporary. He knew I had been talking to somebody other than him. For all I knew, he could hear Kylo's voice.

My attempts to keep our bond a secret might finally have been betrayed.

After another few minutes, I let out a breath and sat up. For now, we were safely inside the protective barrier of hyperspace. I didn't know where we were going, nor did I know what we would find whenever we got there. Unable to keep the smile off my face, I decided I wouldn't let that trouble me just yet. Kylo Ren wouldn't kill me - at least, not yet - and, thanks to the tiny, translucent stone stowed away in my pack, the Resistance was back on its feet.


	8. Relief

**Thank you all for your continued support! I expect you'll all appreciate the change of pace in this one. Did I mention this is a slow burn? Haha!**

 **XXXXX**

Relief

Exhausted from yet another long and trying day, I leaned forward over the Dejarik table and kneaded the tight cords of muscle behind my neck with my fingers, but I knew no amount of massaging would force these particular knots into submission. So insistent were they that they even had their own names: Chewbacca and Kylo Ren.

The two beings for whom my knots were named were currently both sitting opposite me, though they had the luck to not have to share the same space as each other.

Chewie knew everything now. After the events on Ilum and my scuffle with Kylo in the gunner's bay, the Wookiee had cornered me and demanded I explain myself. I couldn't blame him. Thus far I admit to having been less than forthcoming with information that had the potential to affect him as well, and he was not pleased. On the outside, on a good day, Chewie was a kind, sometimes humorous creature with an immense capacity for compassion and loyalty. That made his anger all the more shocking, and suddenly I understood how some people found him intimidating. Right now, even though I was looking at the table and not him, I knew he was boring holes into my skull with his eyes.

After several minutes of strained silence, he grumbled moodily, asking me what was happening. I glanced at Kylo Ren.

The Supreme Leader of the First Order was determined to not look at me. A refreshing change from his usual intensity, though this time was focused inward. His jaw was set with a stubbornness that would have made both his parents proud. A stark contrast to his feverish need to get at my throat just a day earlier. It also made him look even more like a scolded child.

I could sympathize. My ears were still buzzing from the Wookiee's lecture.

"Nothing," I replied to Chewie's question. He chuffed his doubt. I gave him a look, then returned my attention back to Kylo.

Preparing myself for a fight, I sighed through my nose and sat up. Kylo stiffly turned his gaze to mine.

"Alright," I started, knowing he wouldn't, "We can't go on like this."

Unsurprisingly, he didn't say anything. He wanted me to solve it for him. I tried to relax the tension in my jaw that was making my temples ache.

"We need to figure out what this thing is and how it works. We need to work together."

"I've made that same offer twice before," He reminded me oh so helpfully, "You've also rejected me twice."

"Working together is not the same thing as dominating the galaxy," He reminded him as sweetly as I could, "And for the record, I didn't reject _you_. I came to save you."

"You assumed that I needed saving."

"You do. And I will."

"I didn't know you cared so much."

"For your _mother_ ," I finished with a glare, then immediately felt bad about it. It was cruel of me to use the general's death to make a point in a pointless argument. What was more, I saw a quick snap of grief on Kylo's face before it disappeared. That hurt more than I would have expected it would.

Silence fell again. I looked to Chewie, who looked right back. I didn't think I needed to relay to him the other half of my conversation just yet. It seemed pretty obvious.

Kylo surprised me by picking up the conversation again. "So what do we do?"

I took another breath. I had to be civil. That was the only way to make progress.

"I think we need to figure out what this bond wants, and consider the possibility that this thing is more than Snoke intended," I explained, "I don't think it was a coincidence that it linked us when it did. I don't think it wants us hurting each other."

Kylo Ren sat up straight and regarded me carefully. "You're suggesting that this thing is sentient."

"It's a product of the Force, isn't it? Isn't the Force…?" I trailed off, suddenly flustered by the look he was giving me and by my own ignorance, "What?"

To my surprise, the corner of his mouth tilted upwards in the first demonstration of any actual emotion other than anger I had seen since Ahch-To. It was unfortunate he only did it to mock me.

"Some say it is, others say it isn't," He replied.

"What do you think?"

"I think the Force has an agenda. If that makes it sentient, then yes, I think that's what it is."

"Oh." It was an unintelligent response. I tried to regain control of the conversation. "So we agree then that it's sentient. That's progress."

I looked to him for approval. I didn't get any outward sign of disagreement, so I went with it.

"If it has an agenda, we can figure out what that agenda is. Part of that agenda is almost certainly keeping us from killing each other. I think it sensed that we were putting each other at risk and came to stop us."

"It wrecked my ship then," Kylo said, "I would appreciate it choosing an alternative method."

I frowned and rubbed my forehead with my palm. He wasn't making this easy. "Do you have any ideas?" I prompted, my patience already wearing thin. I couldn't believe he accomplished anything in the Order with this sort of deliberately obstinate behavior.

"At present, leave it as is," He replied, "The bond is useful. It gave me a glimpse of your location. I intend to use it again."

I pressed my lips into a thin, angry line and looked up at the ceiling. He really couldn't see beyond his own impulses. It would undoubtedly be his undoing, and possibly mine if he had his way of things. But I couldn't accept this as the new normal. I couldn't be a part of the Resistance and have this tie to the First Order, and I don't believe that many would understand it, especially with Leia gone. Finn might support me, maybe, but I doubt Poe would, and I didn't know Rose well enough yet to say with any certainty, but her unflinching loyalty to the cause seemed to indicate that she would not.

More deep breaths.

"Alright. Ben - Kylo - whatever you prefer to-"

"Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order."

That was it. Having finally had enough of him, I growled frustration and shot up to storm away, but I had the grace to smash my knee into the underside of the firmly affixed table, so I was back down and grimacing in pain all within a second. Chewie asked if I was alright and I shook my head. When I glared across the table at Kylo, he hardly seemed perturbed. He did speak, however, and there was a curious quality to his voice, like he was studying a specimen in a lab that had exploded rather than imploded as he had anticipated. It made him look calculating, but also intelligent.

"Your passion is your strength, and yet you deny its existence. Why?"

"I don't deny my passion," I grumbled, "I just use it better than you."

"But you leave so many aspects unexplored."

"I don't want to explore them."

"Yet by learning what makes you strong, you also learn what makes you weak, and this prepares you to protect yourself when certain situations arise."

I scowled, "I'm not _weak_."

"Yes, you are," He replied quickly and easily, "All of us are in one way or another. I have my weaknesses. Skywalker had his. My mother had hers. They only failed because they refused to study them and build shields to compensate. They denied what is a part of all living things."

For a moment I considered what he was saying, but then discarded it as manipulation. "I don't see how this is relevant to the current topic," I replied.

"It's very relevant," Kylo assured me, "We're discussing the Force and its sentience. The Force recognizes passion and responds to those who are most passionate."

"The _dark_ side of the Force."

"There is only one Force and it doesn't take sides. Perception is what distorts it into black and white. The Force, like all things in life, is grey. To be grey is to represent a perfect marriage of both 'sides.'"

My brow furrowed in thought. I wasn't sure what I found most disturbing: that he made a good point, or that he could… speak like this. Except for one or two very brief occasions, the only reason he ever spoke to me what so that he could get his way. I had a feeling there was some of that here as well.

"Then why aren't you… grey?" I probed.

"I have risen above such things. _I_ control the Force. It does not control me."

My head fell into my hand again. That fleeting glimmer of rationality had been nice.

"Black. White. Grey. It doesn't matter at this point," I sighed, "What matters is, if not breaking it, learning how to cope with this link. It doesn't want us hurting each other, or it'll do… _that_ again. If it doesn't want us hurting each other, maybe it wants us working together."

Kylo snapped to attention.

"That is what I have wanted since the beginning. Only after you betrayed me did that change."

"I didn't-!" I was about to rise into anger again, but caught myself. I couldn't be like him. "Alright, fine."

"Fine what?"

"Fine, I acknowledge that you feel betrayed."

It was deliberately not an apology, but in my heart it still felt like one. Anxious, I bit my lip and looked at him and saw what might even have been some surprise. Like he was feeling it, too. I didn't regret my decision, but now I could suddenly see on his face how he had felt in that moment in the throne room, when he made himself vulnerable to me and reached out with such faith in our sensitive connection. I would never agree with him, but his pain was real. To have hurt him as badly as he hurt me... realization felt like a bead of burning cold metal trickling down the back of my throat. And when we locked eyes just now, we knew that that would be the closest we could come to remorse for what had happened, but somehow, for now, and for the sake of this link, that was enough.

I felt the bond moving between us, smooth and gentle, like a cooling wind on a hot day. Relief.

"I acknowledge that you feel betrayed as well," He offered.

For the first time, I smiled at Kylo Ren. And then the bond gradually let us go.


	9. Trust

**Thank you for reviewing, favoriting, alerting, etc.! Always makes me smile.**

 **XXXXX**

Trust

I shut my eyes and turned my back to the steaming water falling from the showerhead, allowing it to heat my muscles and soothe away the aches that came along with compensating for the ineptitude of the people whom I had the misfortune of directing. Swirls of suds trailed down my body and disappeared into the drain, washing away the dirt of the day but not the stress. I shrugged my shoulders, rolling them from side to side, until I felt a pop behind my shoulder blade that made me wince.

After a lifetime of leading and speaking and controlling, I suddenly understood why my mother had gone grey so early. I touched my own hair, slicked down on my skull and neck.

Since I had received the news from Rey, the scavenger, I hadn't had a lot of time to reflect on her death. Mostly because I had little desire to linger on those who had become the Force, especially when those people had a habit of abandoning their children in favor of their own careers. I felt the familiar hostility growing at just the thought of it, festering like something rotten, but despite that, what I had told Rey had not been a lie: I did love my mother, but I expect not in the way most children love their mothers. Other children developed a dependence on their mother that led to trust as they grew, and then a sense of responsibility as the mother aged and became reliant upon the child. My own childhood began in much the same way, but just as my trust was growing, my mother's trust in me waned. She became afraid of me. For a while, I feared myself, until I learned that the problem was not with me but with her. After that, I felt only anger towards her for leading me astray for so long.

This is also why I loved her. Despite her incompetency as a mother, she had been a good teacher: she taught me that the only one a person may trust is oneself, and that strength comes from within, not without. A person may have the best of intentions, but in the end he or she will take the path that most benefits them.

Knowing this is why I am strong, and I owed her my love for that.

The water ran cold suddenly. A shiver shook me out of my thoughts, so I shut it off and dried myself with a towel. The steam chased me as I left the bathroom and changed into my bedclothes. After towel drying my hair, I prepared myself for bed, which is when I heard the ringing again. My eyes rolled upward.

I quickly found her. Rey was sitting across the room, now staring at me like she wasn't sure whether to run or not. I noticed a piece of the broken lightsaber in her hands, and I understood why she seemed apprehensive.

To torment her, I deliberately eyed the saber until she swiftly put it aside somewhere, out of my vision and reach.

"Good evening," I greeted. Her posture relaxed a little. Attempting to be discreet and failing, she glanced over her shoulder at something. The Wookiee, I guessed.

"Hello," She replied in a hushed voice.

"What are you working on?"

Rey looked again like she didn't know what to do. "Nothing," She said quickly, felt guilty for her obvious lie, and then corrected, "Trying to fix that blasted thing. I don't… I don't know what I'm doing."

Unable to sleep with someone standing in my quarters, I tried to take advantage of the connection and moved across the room to sit opposite her. "It's not easy," I replied, "I can help you."

The girl shook her head as I expected her to. "I can do this by myself."

"No, you can't."

Rey glared at me. I could almost see her fleeing back behind her defenses. "Thank you for your support," She mumbled unhappily.

"So let me help."

"Why?" She asked insistently, obviously distrusting me. She was smart to do so. Despite our concessions the last time we connected, my goal had not changed: the Resistance must be stopped before it could continue disruptions of the First Order's objectives, and the first obstacle in my way was this scavenger from Jakku, just as Luke had been before I was ever made aware of her existence.

I had no reason to hide this. "Once we learn how to circumvent this link, I need you to be able to defend yourself. I want our match to be a challenge, not a slaughter."

Rey stared at me incredulously. I stared back, unblinking.

And then she laughed. A melodious sound to anyone else, but it made me sit back, affronted. How could she _laugh_?

"Maybe you're forgetting," She said, grinning from ear to ear, "But I _beat_ you when we fought."

Rey laughed at my glare. I didn't care that she found the situation amusing, but I did care that her recollection was incorrect.

"You didn't 'beat' me," I informed her, "The planet was dying and split us apart. It was luck."

"Luck," She repeated with a dismissive nod, "Right."

"Are you going to let me help you with the lightsaber or not?"

The girl sobered quickly and leveled me with another suspicious stare. I held out my hand, waiting for her to make a decision. I had the fleeting thought about how her neglected upbringing had served her well: she knew not to trust too carefully, just like I had learned from my mother. Trust was such a delicate thing, so strong in its face, but behind the mask it was the weakest of all emotional facets. I suppose that's what made the moment when she tentatively placed the two pieces of the broken hilt in my outstretched hand so powerful, that it made the currents of the Force ripple around us, like a leaf touching the surface of water.

Feeling the cool metal, warmed slightly by her grip, in my palm was exhilarating. This saber was an heirloom meant for me but was broken by her defiance. My fingers tightened around the two pieces, and I felt her eyes on me.

I set the halves on the table beside me and started prodding at the wires.

"Your kyber crystal is cracked," I observed, taking quick stock of the parts still intact and what would need replacing. Which was most of it.

Rey hesitated, then asked with the naivety of a newborn, "Does that mean it won't work?"

I looked at her with some incredulity. Surely had the know _something_ about… any of this? My eyes belied my thoughts, and her cheeks flushed from embarrassment.

"It will," I told her slowly, "But imperfectly."

"There weren't many to choose from. This one was… the biggest."

I couldn't help it: her ignorance made me smile.

"The size is not what drew you to it. Kyber crystals are directed by the Force to choose who wields them," I explained, remembering back to my earliest lessons with Luke, when things had been simpler. My path clearer. When I had just begun assembling my own saber, when my crystal was uncracked. I wondered how the one she had found had become cracked as well, and what about her it found so attractive. Continuing, I said, "At the height of the Jedi's rule, younglings were taken the same cave you found this one, but it was stripped clean of kyber crystal when the Empire began building its superweapons."

I pulled a few wires from the bottom half of the saber and it spit sparks at me.

"I don't know any of this," Rey murmured after some time. My attention was drawn back to her, whose expression had become drawn, her body tight from uncertainty, "All of it… I spent my life scavenging the 'superweapons' you're talking about, but you're talking about it like it's history and I talk about it like… a means to an end. My next meal. I never once thought about what they were."

I didn't really know what she wanted me to say. I never had much practice consoling people. "I was born into this. You weren't," I said, "It's not your fault."

"Maybe," She replied, "But it's now my responsibility to know."

I nodded in agreement, "Yes, it is."

Rey looked at me, then away, like she wanted me to say something else. Mind reading. I remembered my father complaining about my mother in that way. _Women_ , he had said to me after every fight. Women. I had never had use for them in the context of being women, but some made fine officers. With a sigh, I studied the girl's expression and body posture and how they may be related to our conversation, and the scene hearkened back memories of the stone hut, of her wrapped in the thick, woolen blanket to chase away the chill of a rainstorm. She had looked so afraid and lost, thrown weaponless into a war that had been going on right in front of her, and now she was expected to carry the banner without any explanation why.

I understood.

"You're not alone," I reminded her, echoing our conversation on Ahch-To. Rey looked at me, drawn like a moth to light. I implored her, "Let me help you."

Her brow creased like it always did when that question came up. "How many times are you going to ask me that?" She said.

"Until you realize you need me."

Rey's face flushed again and her eyes dropped a little. Something about the gesture created an instinctual twist in my stomach that I could immediately identify and just as quickly reject.

"I do need you," She admitted softly, "But how can I trust you?"

"Trust is the most fragile gift you can give," I replied honestly, "But I have been truthful about my intentions. The best thing you can do is prepare yourself. Remember what I said about Luke and Leia: they denied their weaknesses, and now they're dead."

Rey frowned in thought. I was honestly a little surprised that she didn't outright reject me as she had in the past, but the look she had given me just now might have been an indication that she wasn't thinking entirely rationally about me and what I was, which I could and would use to my advantage. While she pondered my offer, I continued to tinker with the saber hilt.

"Can you promise one thing?" She eventually asked.

"What?"

"Don't hurt me again."

I _almost_ scoffed, but I kept it together. "No," I replied matter of factly, "Were you listening? Once your saber is fixed, I'm-"

"I know, I know," She cut me off with a sigh, "I mean, until then. If I know it's coming, that's okay, but… no tricks. No manipulation."

I didn't see the point of this. We weren't friends. But it seemed this little thing was enough to get me what I wanted and took no additional effort from me. Just patience. "Fine," I replied, "In return, you become my apprentice."

" _No_ ," She corrected harshly, "You're helping me learn the basics and you're helping me with my saber. That's it."

"That sounds like you're my apprentice."

Rey growled in frustration and tried to kill me with her eyes. I couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Here," I said, handing her the pieces of the saber, "There's not much that can be done about it right now. I'll get some replacement parts and show you what they're for, but it's up to you to put it together. Like a Jedi, if that's what you're insisting."

The surprise of my offer shocked the scowl off her face and turned it into a smile. She reached out and I expected her to take the saber, but instead her hand covered the top of mine. Her surroundings flashed into view, and I naturally took in everything I could: it was night, and her face was illuminated by a generous fire that licked at the underside of some root-like plants roasting on a stick. It was hot and humid, and I could hear the trills of night birds and orchestra of insects. The leaves on stunted trees were broad, shiny, and bright green with shocks of yellow.

"Where are you?" I asked curiously, "I don't recognize this place."

"Good," Rey replied with a sly smile. I smiled back.

"A quick learner. Excellent."


	10. Life

**Thanks as always!**

 **XXXXX**

Life

"Adjust your stance."

"I did…"

"No, you didn't. And your grip is wrong."

I wiped sweat from my brow and glared at my 'instructor.' He wasn't so much of one as much as he was a dictator. But no surprises there. With a determined huff, I shifted my feet, grinding dirt and gravel beneath my boots, and tried to mimic his aggressive, wide-legged pose. He was taller and bigger than me and made it look easy. I was tall, too, but all the stance did was make me feel off balance.

"How's this?" I asked, trying to be patient.

"Better. Now switch your hands."

"But…" Frowning, I shifted my left hand over top of my right on my staff, but it immediately felt wrong and uncomfortable, "This isn't right."

"You keep changing how you hold things," Kylo explained as he straightened up, looking just as annoyed as I felt, "You need consistency. You can't hold your weapon in your right and everything else in your left."

"It's never been a problem before."

"It is now."

My hands squeezed the staff until my knuckles turned white. It was a problem now because it wasn't the way _he_ would do things. Everything had to be _his_ way, because there was no other way that could possibly be better than his way or even comparable. Conveniently, he seemed to forget that I had bested him in every fight. If it hadn't been for me, he would have died in Snoke's throne room, despite his _perfect_ stance and his _perfect_ grip.

I suddenly felt his eyes on me, drawing me out of my silent stewing, and I stared back until he sunk down and raised his angry, spitting saber level with his gaze. Even here in broad daylight, it made his face glow red.

"That's not fair," I complained.

"Combat rarely is," He reminded me, "Rather than focus on fairness, focus on what you're feeling. I can feel it: your pent up frustration, like sparks. You project loudly through the Force."

I didn't really know what he meant by that, but I knew it was meant to be an insult. Grinding my teeth, I instinctively took a step back and raised my staff along the line of my shoulders. Kylo rolled his eyes, seeing that I had taken precisely none of his instruction into consideration, but I thought that if I fought like him, it would only make me all the more predictable.

"You'll never improve like that," He said, deliberately taunting me, "You're learning nothing."

I whipped my staff around suddenly, lashing out at him, but he easily side-stepped away like it was nothing. He even looked bored.

"If I attack you, you're going to slice my staff in half," I grumbled, "You've made it so I can't win."

Kylo twisted his wrist, idly turning the saber over in his grip, and then set it in my direction again. "You're missing the point: you're fighting me, not my lightsaber. If you only target my weapon, you'll lose every time."

"I _know_ that, but-"

He took a quick step towards me and I raised my staff defensively, taking a step back to create more space. Then he swung, left and right, and I dodged, right and left, over and over again until my heel caught on a rock and I stumbled just enough for my defense to go down for a second, and in that second Kylo raised his lightsaber and I could see my small body in his eyes. While my fighting style emphasized speed and finesse, he relied on brute strength and overwhelming force, driving his enemy relentlessly until their shields faltered or they made an inevitable mistake. He was a predator, powerful and dangerous, and I… I was not quite prey, nor was I a predator like him. I was competition.. Like a scavenger.

The red saber came swooping down, but only got halfway in its arc before its wielder cursed and took several steps back as he swatted at small flames that suddenly sprung to life on his quilted tunic. Quite pleased with this turn of events, I relaxed my stance and laughed at him.

"Problem?" I teased.

"Hit some cables," He grumbled.

"Does this mean I win?"

Kylo gave me a look and deactivated his weapon. "Absolutely not."

Taking advantage of the distraction, I lunged forward and swept upward with the end of my staff, but before I could even blink he had spun on his feet, reignited his lightsaber, and a good six inches of my staff went flying through the air. I stared at him with my eyes wide and mouth agape.

"You'll have to fix that, you know!" I shouted.

"I won't."

"You will!"

The saber disappeared again and he walked away to sit, presumably on a couch or chair. He relaxed back into his seat languidly and watched me with little interest. _Oh_ , I hated this man and his insufferable superiority complex. "Does that mean we're done?" I asked, disappointed. We had only been at it for fifteen minutes before he apparently got bored. I went to find the six inches of my staff he had lobbed off.

"You're not listening to me," He replied with disinterest, "Why should I waste my time?"

"Maybe you should give me the basics like I asked you to, and then I can use them to form my own style."

Kylo looked at me like he didn't like that I made sense. I tilted my chin defiantly, challenging him to disagree.

After a moment, he conceded, "I will consider it."

Knowing I wouldn't get any better than that from him, I set my staff aside and sat down on the ground in front of him. He sank deeper into his seat and rested his chin in his palm. Waiting for the link to disconnect, I assumed. That was something I couldn't get used to. Whenever we ran out of things to talk about while linked like this, I found myself feeling uncomfortable and in need of a distraction. I didn't like watching him while he sat there and worked or thought or whatever it was he was doing; it gave him time to change his mind on our agreement and take immediate action.

So I couldn't let him.

"So how's world domination coming along?" I asked.

Kylo Ren looked at me slowly, dark eyes narrowed just slightly as he evaluated my inquiry. "Excuse me?"

I crossed my legs and shrugged. "Sorry, universe. I know you aim big."

His hand dropped from his chin. I couldn't tell if he was annoyed by my line of questioning or amused. I had honestly thought he would enjoy talking about his plans for conquering the free peoples of the galaxy.

"Well, thank you," He replied snidely. Alright, so he wasn't so amused. Maybe it wasn't actually going as well as he claimed. "Why do you ask?"

"Trying to get some hints about where not to be."

And that was the truth. After our last conversation in which we agreed to not trust one another, I had been carrying around with me a heavy weight that was there from the moment I awoke each morning to the moment I fell asleep, and sometimes it followed me into my dreams. I didn't want to kill this man. Beneath all his anger and vindictive promises, I knew Ben Solo was in there, clinging to the last shreds of light bestowed upon him by his Skywalker heritage, but Kylo Ren continued to strangle him into submission. Kylo Ren was the one who vowed to murder me, not Ben Solo, and it was painful to see the mouth of Ben Solo speak the words of Kylo Ren. It struck my heart like few things ever had, to know the good that was within him, to have touched it with my own flesh, and to see it corrupted by lifelong grudges and hate-filled whispers. I was afraid, but also not, because I knew there was hope. I only needed time.

I knew I could not kill this man. I would save him. For his parents, who died loving him. For Luke, who died protecting him from himself. For Ben, who still desperately clung to life.

For me, who was still very much alive.

"I'm a bit distracted, actually," Kylo said, jolting me back to the conversation I had started.

"Really?" I asked, genuinely curious, "With what?"

"Reorganizing the First Order. Snoke was a hands-off sort of leader and Hux should never have been allowed to graduate from grade school. It's a mess."

I blinked. That had not been anything close to what I had been expecting. My heart had jumped to my throat, thinking that he was about to reveal he had locked onto our new base, but his actual source of distraction was, well... boring.

"Oh. What sort of reorganization?"

"Leadership, to start. Many officers from the days of the Empire are old and out of touch with the needs of the galaxy, yet they continue to hold high level positions. I'm installing younger officers with brighter ideas in their place."

Again... that shocked me. Kylo was only ever raging and simmering.

He continued, "We also need a new capital. Snoke's ship had served as our mobile headquarters, but no longer, thanks to you and your friends. I've sent scouts to locate a new strategic position."

That was good information to know, but I also didn't trust it. Kylo knew better than to give away such details. Even so, that he was thinking it conflicted with everything that I had considered to be Kylo Ren. Kylo didn't plan. He acted.

It suddenly occurred to me then, as I watched him think, that the reason this conflicted with what I knew was because I wasn't talking to Kylo Ren. I was talking to Ben. The son of a politician. I smiled.

"I'm impressed. You give off a very strong impression of being the sort to get your way through force."

"I won't stray too far from what has made me as successful as I am."

Seeing an opportunity, I replied, "You know, Ben, this is-"

"Kylo."

"- exactly what the galaxy needs right now. An organized governing body that attends to the needs of all people equally and fairly. This is all the Resistance wants. If you open negotiations with-"

"The Resistance is a minority rebel group with no recognized leadership. I will not negotiate with them."

I tried to keep my cool. Here I was, having an audience with the most feared man in the galaxy, and part of me believed that I might be the only one now who could potentially sway him in our favor. Despite his words, I couldn't help but smile again. Ben might be how we win after all.

"Together we can come up with terms that could be agreeable to both sides. We could-"

He cut me off again, a bit more harshly than usual. "What do you know?" He said derisively, "You're a scavenger from Jakku. What sort of political experience can you possibly have to offer?"

That stung. I appreciated that recently we had started calling each other by our names, so whenever it slipped back into name calling I felt like we had taken three steps back. And he knew which names to use to strip me of my confidence and reveal my naked vulnerabilities to the outside world.

"I don't," I admitted, frowning, "But I know what people want. I grew up alone, left as a child to fend for myself. I earned each day by scavenging, yes, but there is so much more to scavenging than finding old junk. I had to learn to read people. I had to learn when to push and when to walk away. If I didn't read them right, I might go hungry that day, or worse. I also learned what they need, and it isn't someone ordering them around. They need a home and food on the table. They need to know that everyone will come home at night after a long day of work. Ben," I sat up on my knees and leaned towards him, "You can give them that, and they would love you."

Kylo was staring down at me with an appraising eye. I stared up hopefully. I didn't expect him to drop everything and agree right then and there, but I had planted the seed, and that's where Ben would find his hold.

Several slow moments passed and he said nothing, and as those seconds ticked by I realized with a start that he wasn't just staring at me- he was _looking_ at me. On the floor at his feet, imploring him to hear me, I suddenly realized the position I had put myself in and how it must have stroked his ego in just the perfect way. Anger at myself began to simmer, mixing with the heat that his gaze stirred up in my body, but pride and self-confidence kept me from moving. I wasn't and never would beg him for anything, but if making him think I was would get me what I needed, I could play along.

"Ben," I said again, "Please."

"Get off the floor," He ordered sternly, "You have more self-respect than this."

I obeyed immediately, surprising myself, but what was more surprising was the sudden coolness that touched my bare arms and gave me new breath. I shut my eyes. Kylo had given no indication that he had felt it, but somehow it felt like it was coming from him, which made no sense. All I knew was that I needed more of that refreshing air that seemed to brush away a lifetime of sand and sun. It was around me and through me, enveloping my entire being. _Life._ Like what I had felt on Ahch-To.

The Force.

Everything was made up of the Force, I knew, but I didn't know it could be experienced like this. This was different. New.

"Ben," I murmured, my lips barely moving, "Can you feel that?"

I opened my eyes and looked at him, like he had looked at me a moment ago.

"No," He said.

But I could see the truth in his eyes.

"The connection is closing," Kylo continued even as I myself began hearing the ringing on the fringes of my perception. My chest tightened, and I could feel the Force flowing between us ripple as a result, like it was echoing the heightened rhythm of my heart.

"Think about what I said, Ben," I told him urgently as his image faded.

"Kylo," He corrected, his voice a whisper in the darkness, and then I was alone.

The sounds of the jungle came back in full force, flooding my ears with shrieks and cries that had once only been gentle lullabies. Grimacing from the shock, I straightened and looked around.

Chewie was staring at me, arms full of dry wood and dark eyes full of judgment and endless questions. I tried to feel guilty for talking to Kylo Ren, but it wasn't like the Force gave us much choice and... and with the remnants of his cooling presence still calming my nerves, guilty was just about the last thing I was feeling.


	11. Euphoria

**Apologies for the delay. It's been a rough couple weeks.**

 **XXXXX**

 **Euphoria**

I couldn't see her. I knew she was near, but I didn't know where or how close. That didn't stop her smile from permeating the distance between us, slicing through the expanse of space that separated us like there was no separation at all.

Something inside me positively thrummed with the feeling of her proximity.

I did not like that at all. I couldn't accept something _else_ inside me, something that wasn't me. It was an invader. An infection that would expand if left there to fester. The last time I had allowed something foreign to take up residence in the back of my mind, it had been Snoke, and while I could admit that he had been instrumental in me winning this seat in which I now sat, he had been the root of the decay.

My greatest fear with this new presence, shaped like a woman haloed by blinding light, was that it could not be snuffed out. Her image should have died with Snoke. Her body should be laid out alongside the remains of the Resistance. I should have no contest. Instead there she was, smiling at me, like it was normal. It was comforting, which made it terrifying. I didn't know what this connection was, other than that it was the bastard creation of my former master, but some part of me, the stardust, that which would someday become the Force, _liked_ it.

I suddenly began to see her smile with greater clarity, and her eyes began to come into focus. In a moment of panic, I instinctively pushed with the Force against her, and to my surprise her shape grew clouded again.

"Supreme Leader."

The clipped tones of General Hux, usually an annoyance that made me grind my teeth, were a welcome relief.

"Hux," I acknowledged, intentionally greeting him with less formality.

"You sent for me."

"Nearly an hour ago, yes."

Hux shifted his feet wider, preparing for a challenge.

"What do you require?" He asked.

I stared at him, _wanting_ a fight. I wanted a reason to get rid of him before he had the chance to get rid of me. I knew that was his intention - his body reeked of hate and envy, and he had absolutely no control over how it leaked out of his pores like a sickness; I could feel the Force slosh around him, thick and slow, like pushing through black mud that tasted like death. Hux's removal from the First Order was necessary and inevitable, but in this one instance he had an advantage over me: his army, which, for the time being, I needed. The army, however, was loyal to him, though I may bend them to my will through fear, but subjects who fear their ruler slowly lose their fear of pain, and then they make unwise decisions.

So for now I was stuck with Hux and the threat he carried. For now, he stood by my side, but carried a knife behind his back. For this reason, I did not torment him as I might have before. Instead, I answered, "I have reviewed the blueprints your engineers delivered."

Hux straightened, pushing his shoulders back just slightly, and his heels clicked together. "My engineers are the very best, you'll find," He gloated, chin turned up with the overconfidence and blind ignorance of a preening rooster, "Their new prototypes will-"

"I don't like them," I interrupted, and rather than encourage his ridiculous expression of shock, I continued immediately, "I asked for creativity. For something new. What you've given me is a sadistic boy's imaginings of the ultimate war machine, and what's worse: it's little more than another Starkiller that just happens to have a few extra guns, and therefore more opportunities for sabotage."

There was a silent pause, during which Hux twisted his hands behind his back and attempted to gather his words. His normally sickly pale face was reddening and swelling from his anger.

" _Supreme Leader_ ," He replied with a condescending edge, "We will win this war by erasing all traces of resistance from the map. For that, we need weapons."

"We also need men, and we still have not recovered our losses after Starkiller, nor those from the attack on the _Supremacy_. Massive power has its advantages, but it also put a massive target on our back that all of the galaxy could see; I will not be repeating Snoke's mistake."

Hux's lips peeled back from his teeth, showing his emotions like a dog.

"What then is your intention? Surely not to make _peace_."

"You think in black and white," I accused, but I kept my voice steady in contrast to his, "The First Order's mission is to secure a longstanding governmental system that will be applied in every corner of the galaxy. We will- _damn!_ "

A shock of fiery pain shot through my left hand and trailed up my arm into my elbow, numbing like the skeletal, reaching claws of lightning. Grimacing, I clutched my wrist in my other hand and found it tender to the touch.

"Sir?"

I shook my arm, which only seemed to worsen the pain as my clothes rubbed against the soreness, and stiffened my posture, trying to reassume a commanding presence. Hux was watching me with narrowed eyes and the slightest curve to his lips, like a cat deciding where to strike its prey first. Something, whatever this was, continued to throb in my bones, and the burning tendrils of the shock ignited my heart into a rapid flutter, as though I had just finished a sprint.

Pushing it all away, I continued, "The First Order's primary goal had been to eradicate all threats to our regime, which we are on the verge of accomplishing, and following that we must-"

A new pain, sharper and cold this time, sliced a jagged line across my chest and torso. I felt the Force around me quicken, roiling like the sea before a storm, and the image of the smiling girl returned, but now her face was pale and shined with sweat, and she was screaming something that could have been words, but I couldn't distinguish them from the sound of the ringing in my ears.

" _Go!_ " I ordered Hux, who only continued to stare at me as I clutched my abdomen. I couldn't push this pain away with the Force… this pain wasn't mine. But with what little control I did feel I could exert right now, I reached out and bared my teeth, and suddenly the man in front of me was clawing at his throat, gasping for breath. " _Go_ , I said!"

I tossed him aside, and the general scrambled to pull himself off the floor and hurry out of the room. Once he was gone, I finally let the link flood my consciousness.

Rey appeared in front of me in a flash, and while I couldn't see what she was fighting, I knew she was struggling. I could hear her heartbeat pounding through my body like it was my own, every labored breath she took filled my lungs and made them seize when the breaths came too fast, too ragged. The pain I had felt - _her_ pain - burned like flames now, gnawing at my flesh and swelling it like infection had somehow already set in. Through my grimace, I watched her swing her staff one handed - the left hand, not as coordinated - and the other hand, her right, curled tightly against her chest. It was red and marred by oozing polyps.

She would lose like this. Something told me to not let that happen.

Another set of jagged lines raked their way down my back, and Rey screamed. Struggling through our shared pain, I unclipped my lightsaber.

"Rey!" I called. She didn't acknowledge me, but I knew she heard me. I reached for her and grabbed her forearm.

It took a moment to reorient myself in the sweltering jungle she had started to call home, at least temporarily. Beneath my feet, the ground was soft and moist and it exuded the feeling of both life and death. Overhead, I was shielded by dense canopy from the burning rays of the sun. Behind me, Rey was there, pressed against my back, and I could feel her process the sudden shock of my appearance before refocusing her attention on the two creatures before us.

I did the same and quickly realized I didn't know what they were.

My initial analysis placed them as distinctly feline in nature, but then their heads were dotted with bottomless black eyes, in the center of which were three tiny points of light, like a spider, and their great maws, devoid of teeth but for a ring of rear facing, needle-like fangs circling the throat, opened wide to the point of nearly unhinging like a snake. Its body was hairless, but its thick skin was a sickly green-yellow, slashed by black stripes, and covered in pustules that appeared to serve as hosts to swarms of tiny, black insects. Behind them whipped a tail that split into two close to the base. Six legs carried their massive bodies, but only four seemed to serve as such: the most forward pair reached out towards me and Rey with dexterous hands, grasping with three spindly fingers, if fingers had five joints each and were capped with retractable claws that reeked of rot and sulfur.

In retrospect, I wasn't sure what made me think these things were in any way related to cats.

My lightsaber thrummed and crackled to life, spitting in anticipation of the taste of cauterized flesh. I felt Rey grip my forearm like I had hers, and we began to dance.

Saber and staff hummed together as they cut through the air, lending a new sound to the cacophony of piercing screams of the creatures that suddenly were evenly matched. As they lunged for us, we reacted together, stepping here or providing balance there, as though this was not only the second time we fought as one, but rather the culmination of a lifetime of training and cooperation. The Force _sang_ with our unity and flowed freely between us, guiding us, speaking for us so that we would not have to waste our breath. Rey was always where I needed her to be, and I was where I felt she needed me to be; I ducked when her staff spun over our heads, and she leapt over a low swing of my saber that removed a set of claws and joints. It was a fight, and there was blood and sweat and adrenaline and there was nothing beautiful about it, and it was difficult because their hides were tough and I got the sense they were somewhere on the spectrum of Force sensitivity, so sometimes our joint attacks were evaded or even predicted, but I had not felt this confident about who I was and what I was meant to do since… since…

I had no idea.

A swift uppercut sliced through the creature's shoulder, finally, and it howled as the muscles gave way beneath its body. Eyes wide and unblinking, it tried lashing out at me again with the other set of claws, but I swung away from it and drove my lightsaber into its throat. The thing, desperate in its death throes, tried to swallow the burning plasma shaft, but it was dead before it ever had the chance to contemplate the futility of its efforts.

Our arms still linked, I whirled around to face the remaining threat alongside her, but apparently these creatures are less ferocious on their own: finding itself alone, it yowled a terrible cry, and then retreated to lick its wounds.

Then it was nothing but our labored breaths and the feel of our hands on each other. I felt euphoric. The high of a good fight, amplified by the _rightness_ of our unity, and the _approval_ of the Force… that ended when Rey collapsed to her knees, nearly taking me down with her, but I kept my footing.

"What happened?" I demanded as I rode the aftermath of an adrenaline rush. She had already confirmed that this planet was an unknown, and I could not identify the Force sensitive creatures she had encountered, so I felt my suspicion natural. I knelt beside her for my own comfort.

Rey shook her head and hissed in pain. "I don't know. I don't know where they came from… I didn't feel them approach…"

"What about your hand?"

She looked down at the pulsing burns that had scorched black the wrappings up her arm. "My lightsaber," She admitted, averting her eyes in shame, "I tried to fix it earlier, thought I had managed it with some parts I scavenged, but it overheated."

"I told you to wait until I could get you parts."

"I know, I was going to have you look at it first, but then this happened and I had to try…"

Annoyed, I said, "It could have been far worse. It could have killed you."

"I know…"

"The parts are only part of the problem. I told you, your kyber is cracked; it's not going to function like normal kyber crystals."

"I know…"

"Do you? You said it yourself, you don't know what you're doing."

"I'm sorry…"

"Your crystal is _corrupted_ , Rey, it's going to take time before it responds properly, if it does at all. If you want this to work, you'll need to adapt to compensate for the instability like I had to, and for that you'll need to be patient and wait for the damn parts!"

"I'm sorry, Ben, I didn't mean to worry you…"

The words were spoken softly, but it felt like a slap across the face. It occurred to me suddenly that maybe she didn't need a lecture right now.

"Kylo," I corrected.

"Sorry. Kylo."

"Stop apologizing," I snapped, irritated by my own revelation, "I'm not worried. You need to-"

" _Rey!_ "

Both of us sat up, but for different reasons, when a not so distant voice called her name. It was male, deep, and full of concern, and satisfyingly recognizable. Rey looked at me, her eyes wide in panic.

"No," She breathed, watching as I moved to stand. The voice shouted again, closer, and I heard him crashing through the underbrush.

"FN-2187," I murmured to myself, naming my target. Rey I could tolerate for now. We weren't finished yet. But _him_ … I had no tolerance for traitors.

"Please," Rey implored, but I made no acknowledgement of her.

Another shout. I squeezed the hilt of my saber. Rey dug her nails into my forearm and opened her mouth to scream:

" _Get awa-"_

Like a kick to the gut, I was suddenly on my back, staring at the black ceiling of the conference room in which I had earlier spoken with Hux. A second later, I gulped in a ragged breath that had been stolen from me by the abruptness of our disconnection. My eyes blinked rapidly, adjusting to the chance of lighting. No Rey. No jungle. No traitor.

Frustrated and bewildered, I pounded my fist on the cold, hard floor and found my skin still burned from what I now understood was the bite of Rey's misfiring lightsaber.


	12. Bond

**Thank you for the reviews and favorites! Quick update to make up for the two weeks without. :)**

 **XXXXX**

 **Bond**

The water in my glass was slightly yellow. I could see a cloud of fine particles swirling around and gradually settling down at the bottom. I took a small sip anyway; I had consumed worse in my lifetime, and at least I knew this water had been through a filter and had been sourced through a spring that so far hadn't shown any signs of contamination. So the water tasted a little earthy, but it was good and refreshing.

It settled coldly in my stomach though. Finn had brought it to me and he offered it with a warm smile and a gentle touch on my shoulder. I had smiled back and thanked him, but I felt like I had betrayed him.

Finn hadn't seen Ben, but I had to lie when he asked how I had managed to kill one of those things that had for some reason taken such interest in our activities here. The Force, I had told him, and it was partially true, but it hadn't been me. It was Ben's control that had saved me. But Finn told Poe, and now, once I was recovered, I was supposed to train everyone on how to bring the creatures down.

I didn't know what to do.

Not knowing what to do was becoming more and more often my default state of existence. Everyone needed me to know everything about the Force, like after two lessons with Luke Skywalker, I was supposed to be able to influence people and inspire allies and be a _Jedi_. I had no idea what to do with this connection between me and Ben; I could feel it now, stronger than it was yesterday, and yesterday it was stronger than the day before that. There were times when it was useful, like when Ben saved me, but for the most part all I could see was how it benefited him and his goals far more than it benefited me. Of course, given that it was crafted by his old master, I supposed that shouldn't come as a surprise. The connection had made it apparent to me that it intended to stick around, but I had no idea how to use it.

I flexed my burned fingers, still wrapped in gauze, and winced. I couldn't even put together a lightsaber. How could anyone expect me to live up to all they needed me to be?

With my good hand, I rubbed my eyes and tried not to think. Instead, I focused on the feel of the canvas cot beneath me and how it rubbed against the calluses on my bare feet. There was no blanket, only a white sheet piled up at the foot of the cot, and a canopy of netting overhead to keep the biting insects away, so I let myself feel the coolness of the material falling over my lap like water. I felt a refreshing breeze move over my skin like the soft touches of a lover, especially welcome in this heat and humidity. Shutting my eyes, I leaned my face into it and smiled for the first time in days.

It made me think of _him_ , when he wasn't arguing with me. In those rare moments when we actually had conversation that didn't revolve around killing each other, his presence was soothing and cool and welcome and-

"You project loudly through the Force."

I nearly shrieked when the voice of the man I had been imagining broke the barriers of imagination and appeared in my reality.

"How did you-?"

"I don't know. I didn't get any warning this time."

Blinking rapidly, like that would make him not be there, I stared at Ben with incredulity. There he was, sitting across from me at the foot of the bed, like he had always been there. For the second time, he was looking disheveled in his partial state of undress, but I couldn't tell if he was just waking up or going to bed. I had grown accustomed to the connection's sporadic habits, but usually it gave some kind of indication. Once again, I didn't know how to interpret this deviation from the norm.

"How's your hand?" Ben asked, which fortunately took my mind off the oddness.

This time, I didn't try to flex my fingers. "Some improvement, but not much. The scabs keep cracking."

"Pleasant."

"Yea. It's not my first bad burn though."

"Are you sure? By the way it's wrapped, I would think so."

I glared at him. "It's hard to wrap your own wounds."

"What about FN-2187? He was trained in combat first aid."

" _Finn_ ," I corrected, "He wanted to, but I wouldn't let him."

"That was stupid of you."

I didn't know what to say to that. He was right, but I had let my pride and need for self-sufficiency get the better of me. I had also felt too guilty to ask Finn for help after lying to his face. But then I didn't have much time to dwell on that because Ben was suddenly unwrapping my poor attempts at covering my wounds. I pulled my hand away.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Ben reached for me again, and this time I let him peel away the gauze. "I'm fixing it."

That was obvious. What surprised me was the care he used in working his way around my forearm and wrist, like he had done this before. I supposed he must have. One didn't get far in combat training without first learning to care for the wounds you inflicted and the wounds inflicted upon you. I just couldn't imagine Ben ever needing it. Silent, I watched his long fingers move deftly, with the impersonal touch of a doctor.

I wondered suddenly if he had ever used a personal touch on someone else.

Ben's fingers stilled and hovered over my wrist for a brief second,and then he yanked a bit too roughly on a piece of gauze that had gotten stuck on a broken blister.

"Ouch!" I hissed and recoiled, "What was that for?"

"Not deliberate."

I eyed him dubiously. He continued, gentle again.

Once he had finished, he tossed the used gauze aside and I handed him the roll of fresh gauze. The coolness from before still hovered in the air around us; it felt especially nice on my peeling, blistered skin.

"Our next lesson will be how to control the Force as it flows through you," Ben said, eyes on his work, "You leave yourself open to invasion."

I shook my head, "Luke said we don't control the Force. It has-"

"Yes, I know," Ben said dismissively, "Luke said a lot of things, many of which have turned out to be false. You may not tell the Force where to go and what to do, but you can direct how it interprets your actions and thoughts."

"I… don't understand."

"Obviously. You're always-"

"Stop talking to me like I'm stupid."

Ben actually looked at me. I knew I was new to this. I knew he was better. I didn't need to be told all the time that there were more things that I didn't know than things I did, and I hoped the glare that I gave him helped to make the message sink in.

Then he nodded. "Yes, exactly. Like that."

"What?"

I could see the annoyance in the twitch of his face. He pressed his lips together hard and I could _feel_ him resisting the urge to make an ugly comment meant to ridicule me. He was trying to be nice.

"You can't control the Force," He explained, "But you shouldn't let the Force control you. To some extent, depending on what you believe, we can't do much about what the Force wants or doesn't want us to do, but with practice you can limit how much you 'leak' to the Force. Thoughts, emotions… it's like the filter we have on our speech; we know what we can or can't say out loud to certain people. Right now, you have no filter. That's what I mean when I say you project loudly through the Force. You're an open book with extra large print."

I immediately became self-conscious.

"Don't."

I stared, confused, and then understood. An embarrassed flush warmed my cheeks. "Sorry," I murmured.

"Stop apologizing. It will become easier with time. In truth, you're in greater need of a teacher than a lightsaber. Natural talent will only get you so far."

"It seems to have gotten you pretty far."

"If I relied on natural talent alone, my entire body would look like your hand. As a child, I was wild and untameable and the Force didn't so much flow as much as it burst out of every pore. Luke, to some extent, reined it in, but in actuality all he did was put a plug in the exhaust port of an engine. It was with Snoke that I learned how to channel it properly and install relief valves on the engine."

"Like your lightsaber?"

Ben nodded. "Yes, exactly."

While he finished with my hand, I reflected on what he had said. What I had didn't feel like natural talent; it felt like luck. And not even good luck. I had never asked for any of this, wanted no part of it, and hadn't even _believed_ it before BB-8 came along and disrupted everything I had ever known. I didn't know why I had this. On the worst nights, when I felt alone and distant from everyone around me, who all knew exactly who they were and what they fought for, I liked to imagine that maybe my mother or father had been a Jedi and had gone into hiding, leaving me behind with no name so that I wouldn't be a target for their enemies to exploit.

Sometimes it helped, but most times it carried the disappointment of waking from a good dream and finding it was nothing more than just that.

Ben let go of my hand and I admired his work. It was smooth where my attempt had been lumpy, and snug where mine had been strangling. I carefully twisted my wrist and found it hurt less. "Thank you," I said with a small smile, "I hadn't expected to find such a skilled hand in a… well, you, to be honest. Is that natural talent, too?"

I had meant it as a joke, but even as I said it I could feel him, his coolness, withdrawing.

"Luke required it as part of our training."

"Oh. Well… you got that lesson down well."

"Yes," He agreed, humble as ever, but my read on him was correct: he didn't want to be anywhere near this subject. Without missing a beat, he changed the conversation, "What were those things?"

It took me a moment to remember what he was referring to; it had been two days since our encounter with the monsters.

"We're not sure," I replied with a heavy sigh, "We saw no signs of them when we arrived, but now it's almost like our presence here attracts them. You're the first of us who's managed to kill one."

"Have you been able to pick up that they're Force sensitive?"

I stared at him with mild surprise. That explained a lot. "Sort of? I could sense that something was off about them, but I wasn't sure what. They're… terrifying. Most times we only hear them, howling or screaming or whatever you would call their vocalizations, and we've learned by now that it's time to go when we hear it. And that's all we ever hear, except for bugs and occasionally a bird - so far we haven't encountered anything larger than that. They hunt in packs; it was odd to only find two as I did the other day. I wonder if they were scouts."

"If you would tell me where you are, I could try to locate more information for you."

I choked back a laugh. "You know I'm not giving you that."

"I know. But otherwise I can't help you."

"I didn't ask for your help with this anyway. I just need you to teach me."

Ben took a long breath and let it out through his mouth. I got the impression he was frustrated, but I wasn't entirely sure why. He couldn't honestly believe I would be so careless, especially not now that the Resistance finally had a suitable base of operations that didn't appear to be on the First Order's radar. I studied his expression, hard and uncertain, until he looked at me again with a new feeling in his eyes that shot straight through me. My lips parted as I looked back at him, and then down at my unburned hand as he took it in his.

It was then that I noticed his skin was nearly as red as my burns.

"What happened?" I asked, shocked.

"You," He said quietly as he pressed his palm against mine, "When your lightsaber burned you, it crossed through the connection. That's why you need to let me help you."

Unable to speak, I instead contemplated the implications of his words, if they were in fact true, and something about his tone compelled me to believe him. As far as I knew, I had never suffered from an injury dealt to him, and this was the first time I had heard him mention it. If this was true, the connection was changing and bringing us even closer, linking us now in both mind and body.

But then that thought stirred something else within me that was even more compelling than his voice. It was something deep and old, governed by primal instinct; an ancient presence that slumbered within all of us and only woke when hit by just the right moment. The moment when galaxies aligned and all things made sense and you found what made you complete, and you could feel it wrapping around you with the warm familiarity of a friend and the promise of satisfaction. It sang of home.

My skin tingled where it touched his palm. He was warm and the right amount of softness, unlike me, but greater than that was the energy that bounced from me to him and back. I knew enough now to recognize it as the Force, using the link Ben and I shared to coax us in the right direction, or at least the direction it wanted us to go. It was gentle and cool because it knew that's what I needed, and it was happy to give it to me as long as I kept moving forward. I wanted to obey because I had never had this; I had never been able to look at someone and defy logic and say _yes_.

And the possibilities there terrified me.

"I… I can't tell you where we are, Ben. I don't trust you."

He shut his eyes. "Stop calling me Ben."

I ignored him. There were more important things to talk about than the denial of his own name.

"If you won't tell me," He continued, "Then promise me you'll be careful."

His words triggered that warm feeling I got whenever I could see Ben shining through the darkness of Kylo Ren. Our hands, still pressed together, was the conduit through which I could send him my tentative admiration, and with a slight flicker of my heart, I let my fingers curl between his. Ben didn't return the gesture, but he didn't pull back either.

Then the feelings fizzled out to nothing when he continued with, "I have actual responsibilities. I can't be worried about your carelessness killing me."

My face fell flat.

"Really? Can't you…? How can you be so… so…"

Ben's fingers suddenly curled between mine and he gave me a look, _the_ look, like when I had inadvertently kneeled at his feet, and I could feel the heat climbing up my neck and spreading across my face, like a shy little girl who just said hello to a boy she fancied. It left me feeling young and frazzled and _stupid_.

"Promise?" He asked again.

I almost nodded dumbly, but I got myself together and raised a brow at him. "Only if you promise to be careful, too. You may not believe it, but I actually do have my own responsibilities and there are enough threats here as it is."

"Deal."

I felt relief wash through me and sweep away the uncertainty and annoyance and embarrassment and doubt. I didn't know if he cared about me or if he really was just trying to keep himself from dying, but it didn't seem to matter. We had made a promise to each other - a promise, in clearer words, to keep each other safe by keeping ourselves safe. It was strange, but… it fit us.

I looked at our fingers, still folded together, and I admired how nicely they fit. His were bigger, but mine were longer, and it worked and I liked seeing them like this. Smiling, I looked to Ben and found him studying the union as well.

Mood lifted, I teased, "Do you think Snoke knew what he was doing when he made this?"

"I don't know," Ben murmured, tilting his head in thought, and he looked at me, "This connection is becoming more than I expected."

Pleased, I squeezed his hand and replied, "I like to think of it as a bond."


End file.
